One Week

That’s all I have left of my winter break. One week from today, it all begins again in earnest. My final semester of Nursing School. I’ve seen the schedule. I’ve seen the syllabus. It’s gonna be a bloodbath.

Our class is down two more students (to my knowledge). Hopefully we don’t lose anyone else. Especially me.

I keep telling myself that I only have to get through the next four months and then I can collapse. But the acid is already rising in my stomach. The fears. The anxieties. The worry. The guilt. The shame.

With apologies to soldiers everywhere who have fought and died for our country, indulge me for a moment in saying that all of us who have survived the last three semesters have a certain amount of PTSD from the experience. And having worked for our great country myself at one time, I can assure you, that this is a lot like taking a month of leave only to be sent back to the front lines. A month off is only a teaser of what peacetime can look like. Cruel in its brevity.

In this past month, I have been sleeping remarkably well. I still wake up at 3am, but I often go back to sleep within an hour or so. And when I wake, I feel refreshed. Also, my acne spontaneously cleared up. It’s AMAZING. Honestly. It hasn’t been this clear in almost two years. Whereas before, my face was riddled with bright red splotches, deep cysts, and surface whiteheads, every area inflamed and often peeling — seriously, it was a mess! — my skin is now pink and perfect, soft as a baby’s butt, like it was for years before all this insanity started. But as of today? Oh, I can feel it. It’s beginning to get tingly and red again. No cysts yet, but if it stays inflamed it’s just a matter of time. Bad shit is coming, and my body knows it. I barely slept for more than a couple hours at a time last night. And when I was awake, I felt like my skin was crawling.

So what does one do to cope? How can I handle this?

As for my skin, I have an arsenal of anti-acne creams and some brand new foundation to try out. I have started taking Pepcid — whose main ingredient, famatodine — is a histamine antagonist — which eases some of the symptoms of anxiety that I feel.

Honestly, my only other defense is preparedness. I have to print out what I can for class ahead of time. Complete a few BS assignments so I’m not quite as overwhelmed when it all comes down. Make sure my computer is updated with the latest software. Ensure that I have enough pens. Stuff like that.

Because while it’s true that sitting around and worrying doesn’t help the situation, my mind automatically gets in an endless loop of near-meltdown level anxiety. I can distract myself for a bit, but it’s always simmering in the background just waiting.

In nursing, we are taught to use Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs as a baseline for assessment and for much of our decision-making process with our patients. Yet, Nursing School threatens every level of the chart for me. Examples:

• Physiological: I’m not eating or sleeping right which lowers my immune response. I feel like crap, and if I get sick, I could fail out.

• Safety: I have to get to school through the snow and ice which is terrifying!

• Love/Belonging: My teachers hate me, and I rarely see my friends.

• Esteem: I am not getting good grades, therefore, I am a bad person.

• Self-Actualization: What if I don’t pass or graduate? My whole future is at risk!

And that’s just a few thoughts based strictly on class. That doesn’t include all the risks to my normal home life that I feel every day. Yet there’s no way around any of these things, they just have to be dealt with. Four months — I just have to make it four months.

Our teachers are already on us about obtaining employment and getting signed up for the next level of our educational journeys: the BSN. I can’t even think about it right now.

I’m in survival mode already.

God, I’m so scared.