Exposure

This article was supposed to be about my new job as a Nurse Tech at the hospital. They called me last week after Governor Cuomo asked all hospitals to beef up staff with whoever wasn’t tied down. Nursing students, such as myself, were invited to start work early. I accepted — with hesitance — but figured I need the money. My company is still shut down, and I can’t trust The Boss to keep paying me for no reason, so I really have no choice.

This article was supposed to be about me stepping up to the plate and setting aside my worries about getting sick. About how I “answered the call” back on Sept 11th 2001, and how that was like this in many ways.

But, what if that doesn’t end up happening?

Since this whole COVID-19 thing has turned the world upside-down, I have not been sleeping well. That’s not unusual for me as I have chronic insomnia anyway, but let’s say, it’s worse than my normal baseline.

I always wake up with a slight cough from the mucus that settles into my trachea and nasal passages while I sleep. My nose is usually a little runny too. It all normally clears up within a few minutes then I’m fine. What can I say? I’m old.

Today I woke up after a night of fitful sleep to my usual slight cough and nose-blowing. Except now, my nasal passages feel raw and they’re still running a little. Hm. That’s odd. My lower back feels a little achey.

Now it’s entirely possible that it’s a side-effect of not sleeping well. Or… is it early symptoms of COVID-19?

Uh-oh.

Nah. Can’t be. I’m being paranoid. It’s cold in here and I’m not sleeping right.

But what if I’m not?

This isn’t about me getting sick though. This is about the responsibility we have to our friends and family during this time. I can’t bear the thought of being responsible for getting someone else sick.

First thing I thought about is, who did I see? Who might I have infected?

Coronavirus has only just hit our fair hamlet of Mayberry in the last week — a fact that is not well publicized aside from showing general county-wide numbers. Most people — including me — have been far more concerned about what will happen to the economy rather than whether or not we are gonna get sick. I know of at least one case of an employee sick at the local hospital. (Maybe two.) People here are mostly staying home, but large crowds have been congregating at Walmart and other grocery stores.

If I am sick, how many people might I have infected in the last 5-14 days? I went to the grocery store. I went to the cafe (for pickup, but still). I did the drive-thru at McDonalds. I was invited to go along to the hunting supply store last night with a couple of my friends. I was desperate for company. I wanted to go. Being alone when you want to be is great, but when you HAVE to be and have no other choice — for days on end — it sucks.

Except now, I wonder about what happens if I am sick and not just being paranoid. My friends will never forgive me for riding with them last night. Even though it was at their invitation, I spent time, in an enclosed space in a car, with my dearest friends in the world. Definitely in less than 6 feet of space. What if I was shedding virus that whole time? What if I infected them?

And what happens if I am, indeed, about to be sick?

I was at the hospital Friday to fill out paperwork because I got a job there. Is that where I got it? I just accepted a job at the hospital as a Nurse Tech. Being out of work, I figured it was wise to take something — anything — and all nursing students are being called to the front. I answered the call. But if I’m sick, I won’t be able to work. What happens then?

The boss’s ex-girlfriend and her weird friend who are quarantined at the office after returning from Paris — as far as I know, they’re still not showing symptoms. Did I get it from them?

And if I am sick, if I have to be hospitalized, what happens to my dog? I’m going to have to leave him with a friend — but who will take him if they think he’s carrying COVID-19 germs? Because, by the time I would have to be hospitalized, I would be very, very sick — nobody will want to go near me.

So many consequences.

If I get sick enough to be hospitalized, it’s not going to be a remotely pleasant experience. By that time, they’re going to have multiple beds per room, maybe even cots in an open facility like an arena. It’s not like there’s gonna be a plug for my phone charger. No TV. Nothing to get my mind off the sound of the ventilators. The bubbling of humidified oxygen. This could be a shit show, and I’ll have front-and-center viewing.

I will struggle for every breath. My chest is gonna hurt. I’ll never feel as if I’m getting enough air. And my brain will be swimming from fever. I’ll be overwhelmed with grief and guilt that I may have gotten so many other people sick — but I was unaware! I didn’t know!

Or maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe my nose is sore because I blew it too hard. Maybe my back aches because I haven’t slept properly. Quite possible.

Let’s say I’m just being paranoid. I’ve spent several days studying this virus and this epidemic. I was watching a presentation last night — in fact, fell asleep watching it — as the epidemiologist had been droning on for hours about facts and figures and what ifs and what do we do whens. It’s at the forefront of my mind.

Assuming I am well, I need to start taking my exposure to others (and exposure to me) VERY SERIOUSLY. I thought I was before, but I really wasn’t. I must shelter in place and avoid the store. And when I can’t, I need to be aware of everything I touch and breathe in. Maybe I can use Instacart for shopping. I need to be a LOT more cognizant of my surroundings.

I need to be responsible not just for myself but for every person around me. And their families too.

I know better. I need to do better.