A worry transcript

“So how’s it going?”

Not so great.

“I mean with your new job. You must be excited!”

I know. I am. I mean, it’s not horrible or anything. The people seem nice. It’s just [nervous laugh] I’m having a rough time adjusting.

“Adjusting? What’s going on?”

Well…  mostly I’m just frustrated because I have no money. I knew things would be tight for the first month, but damn. It’s getting me down. Because I travel so far, I spend everything I have on parking, gas, and food. There’s just nothing left — ever. I’m behind on my rent. I’m behind on gas and electric. I’m behind on everything because there’s absolutely NOTHING leftover. And since I don’t get paid until September, it’s gonna be like this for a while.

“Well, that’ll get better when your first paycheck comes in. You’ll feel better then.”

Um. Well. Yeah. Not really. I mean… I worked out the numbers and I don’t think I’m actually gonna be “making” that much. So I’m really worried that my paycheck is gonna be incredibly slim. So slim I might not be doing much better than I am right now — and working 10x harder just to earn it.

“That can’t be right.”

It is. Between parking and gas and food… a huge chunk of money goes there. I have to wait to see what the final amount is going to be obviously… but remember I’m also paying for health insurance now. And union dues. All that adds up really fast. I’m just sad and wondering what in the hell I’ve done to myself. Every time I think about it, I get sick to my stomach.

“I thought this was supposed to be a great job? A great opportunity? You were so happy!”

It is. I was.

“So I don’t get it. What the hell went wrong?”

The problem is, I knew it would be hard in the short term, but I’ve never worked this far from home. Everything added up so fast. The car doesn’t get the greatest gas mileage. Literally every other day I have to fill up with $20 worth of gas. If I’m traveling to the hospital 5 days a week, that’s $60 in gas just to go to work each week. Plus $15 a day for parking close to the hospital (or pay a lot less and leave an extra hour early). I’m simply not sure this is sustainable. The whole point of all this was to have a great job and be able to save money. To be able to move out of Mayberry. To make my life better somehow. And I’m so scared that this all isn’t working out.

“What can you do?”

Well, I can try to stick it out and see if it gets better in time. That’s my immediate solution. Plan B would be to quit and return to Mayberry and apply at Mayberry Hospital and hope they have an opening. There I would make more and not have travel expenses. I would definitely be able to save money. But the job’s not secure, the job sucks, and I’d have to work night shift — probably with the Regina George of my class. And I’d be staying right here in Mayberry. Hell, the humiliation of having to return after the triumph of getting into Grey-Sloan is almost an afterthought.

“I think you’re overreacting. Don’t you usually focus too hard on the short term? Once you see that first paycheck, your feelings may change!”

It might. I don’t think so though. I’ve looked at the numbers. They don’t look great.

“You could pick up overtime money!”

Overtime — are you fucking kidding me right now? Doing 12-hour shifts and being there almost every fucking day already and now you want me to stay late and work extra too?

“Ooh jeez, sooorr-rreeee. Didn’t realize that was a touchy subject.”

No. I’m sorry. I’m in over my head, and I know it. I get snappy when I know I’m cornered. I’m worried about so many things, not just money. I’m still at my former part-time job where my replacement has yet to show up to be trained. My official last day is the first week in September. I don’t know what I’m gonna do if she’s not trained.

“That’s not your problem!”

I know, but I do take some pride in my work. I don’t want to leave them in a lurch, even though they’re doing it to themselves. They’ve been good to me. I don’t wanna leave a shit legacy, you know?

“I know. Now, what if you relocate to the city where Grey-Sloan is?”

That WAS the plan, but… if I’m not making enough money to sock anything away, it’s a moot point. Any apartment I get will cost more than what I have. And any apartment will also require a few thousand deposit — again, money I don’t have. Soon, I’ll have the car expenses too. Car insurance, repairs. If I’m not making enough to survive on, I won’t ever make enough to upgrade to new digs. I told ya. I have reason to be concerned.

“I see that. So will you try to stick it out at Grey-Sloan?”

For this week, yes. I’m gonna plow through it and see what happens. Maybe I’ll feel differently after having worked on the floor, and not spending all my time in training. But make no bones about it — I am SCARED. All this effort — and for what? It feels like when I was working for the resort after my car died and I ended up spending all my money just to travel back and forth by cab hoping it would somehow work out magically. It was insane. I was so broke there were days I didn’t have money to eat. I had to quit and return to my old job where I made less money but didn’t have to pay so much to travel.

“Can you just cut out all extraneous expenses? Just for now?”

I have already cut back wherever I could. Cancelled Netflix, etc. But I forget about it sometimes. Friday last week I bought a $10 lunch at work forgetting that I parked in the parking garage and would have to pay $15 at the end of the day. I barely had enough. That was scary!

“Sounds like you’ve got a big problem on your hands. And some decisions to make.”

I do. I just don’t want to make them right now while I’m so scared and sad. If I adjust my spending until my first paycheck, maybe you’re right and maybe I’ll feel better about it.

“Stick with the plan for now. Decide to move forward or back – either way – in September. Good plan.”

I hope you’re right.

Oh, and did I mention I didn’t lose any weight this week? In fact, I gained last week? YEAH. So I’m eating well and feeling better but still a huge flat useless blob. Great. This is fun.